Pizza is love, Tinder is happiness and Netflix is truth.
1. Getting rid of financial paperwork is the same as dealing with it.
2. If your Instagram looks cool, your actual life will be cool.
3. A minute spent napping will lead to at least two minutes saved through improved productivity later.
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Nap all day, and you’ll never have to do any work.
4. Wine is made from fruit, and is therefore a health drink.
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Also, vodka is made from grain, which seems like it would be very good for you.
5. The food pyramid consists of four elements – drunk food, coffee, food you just found in your fridge that you didn’t know was there, and free food.
Though there’s never actually any food in your fridge.
6. Engagements and babies are something that only other people should have to deal with.
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7. Breaking plans makes your friends think you’re busy and cool, not flaky and a bit terrible.
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8. You only have to pay rent when something more important hasn’t come up that month. Like another drink, or a burrito.
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Priorities are for wimps.
9. Spending extra time in bed each morning means you’ll be more energized, and therefore be able make your commute quicker.
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In fact, the amount of time needed for your commute will continue reducing almost indefinitely, right up to the point that you’re ten minutes late for work, still in bed, and reality sucks.
10. If you stay up long enough, you will eventually start to regenerate energy, like video game characters regenerate health.
11. You can never be hungover if you stay drunk.
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12. The world is very close to fixing the Job or Experience paradox.
SPOILER: It’s not.
13. Considering going to the gym is basically equivalent to actually going to the gym.
14. Considering eating healthily is basically equivalent to actually eating healthily.
Also, if there’s lettuce in a burger, it counts as a salad.
15. Broke is a state of mind, and can be solved by continuing to spend money.
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16. Your student loans get cancelled if you avoid thinking about them for long enough.
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17. Once the laundry pile is large enough, the clothes in it will begin to clean themselves.
18. Wrinkled clothes are totally in right now.
This is exactly the type of suit George Clooney wears.
19. It’s impossible to get properly drunk at an open bar. You can therefore drink as much as you want.
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And if you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
20. Saving money is technically the same as throwing it away, so is a bad idea.
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The same goes for insurance, incidentally.
21. Romantic decisions are always better later at night.
Drunk texts are like poorly spelt, inappropriate love letters.
22. Long-term plans are for suckers.